Daphne: A Reformed Lesbian

It has been 1 week now since N. left me. She loved me until she got into the truck with her son. Since our love was genuine, not based in fantasy or whim or impulse, I believe that she still loves me even though she says we are through. I am supposing that it is her love for me, that she wants not to talk or email because she feels the pull of my sadness, my grief and feels like responding to it. That kind of response would be in contravention of the hard choice she made. I want to give her my life. She knows that. So she has to push me away because of the discordant feelings she has.
It hurts me, and I do not know how long this will last

I spoke with her on the phone this morning. The conversation was cordial up to the end. She then said she did not want to have phone contact or email contact with me. She needed to focus on what she was doing.

She likely heard me begin to cry as I told her I understood, and that I hoped that she would thrive. As I circumvented my grief I attempted to intuit why she wants no contact with me after five years of deep genuine love.

Understanding how she is highly sensitive and her experience is filled with pain as she takes care of herself in the ways that I used to take care of her. It tires her out and exacerbates her pain.

She has to put a lot of energy into focussing upon whatever she needs to do. Part of the reason she left is she had no energy left for providing for my needs. That aspect of why she left did not thereby negate her love for me.

Now I have to truly let her go.

I grieve.

Iam sad.

I cry frequently.

My N. unsubscribed from this blog so she won’t even see it. I wanted to serve her needs to the end of my life, or her life which ever comes first. Now she wants to be friends and understands that I cry daily. I adore her, and when I hear her voice on the phone it is a balm to my ears.

I loved her to the moment she got into the U-Haul truck that carried all of her belongings. She left me with many of her cloths, and I gave her many of mind. Daily I pack more of the stuff in what was Our apartment. Sigh!

I love her, I adore her, I am devoted to her. I want her back in my life.

I fixed my bike!

The wheel I was having a problem with where the tube would get cut, I used duck tape to cover the sharp edges. I also used duck tape on the inside of the tire where the tube would bulge. Now it turns freely without catches.

Yay!

Lovers sometimes separate. When the love was genuine, and adoration was not only accepted but reflected back upon the adorer. Adoration spawns devotion, a set of acts whose purpose is the communication of love.

Now when my adoration and devotion are not well received, I go through my days doing many of the same things I did as a devoted partner. I prepare mostly the same foods for only my consumption. These things I did for her are good habits, it is good food I am cooking so this is all good for me.

I am a woman who feels un-whole when I am not in a relationship that is genuinely loving. I intend to love what I am doing, to love myself, and the people I meet in my daily life. I will be what I want to find.

Since she offered friendship, I will accept that and love her as friends sometimes do. Why not, for two people who started out as friends before they became lovers. It only makes sense that after they are no longer lovers, that they remain as friends. That is a sign that the relationship was always genuine.

As I have been reaching out to the Ottawa community of lesbians, I encountered one woman who I perceived as filling my senses; I was physically attracted to her. She had accepted the things I said, and offered her own insights. She applauded my for my willingness to change.

As for my departed lover, I have turned in the keys, I am daily working on what was our apartment and expect to be cleanly out of here by the requisite time. I have already packed my earring making supplies so I will not be able to make new earring for her until after I am unpacked in my new place.

I will send to more emails, and will not call on the telephone.

Next communication is upon her.

How to start? How to continue.

Maybe just a touch, a simple touch: here I am, just me no push no pull.

Kind of like that first dance when we met.

I was alone, and lonely five years ago. I had decided to love everybody and everything I did. I wanted to be what I was looking for. On New Years evening of 2012 I went and danced at a gay bar in Halifax. That night I danced with a woman who stood out in sharp relief compared to all the other women there. We danced for 3 hours then she went home. It took me days to find her again. Twenty one days later we began a life together -She was quite the catch – that lasted for over five years. Then it was time to release her. That was 3 days ago in my experience.

Since then I have attended two events that were held by lesbian women. The first night, the day after my partner left in a truck for Halifax, I went to a potluck at one woman’s house. I met many women that night and had some wonderful sympathetic, sometimes funny conversations. I even saw one woman somewhat younger than me who jibed with my attention. I told her so, and she laughed. We talked a lot and I told her much about my partner who had left me behind. I talked about love, about adoration, about devotion. I told the woman I was attracted to that I understood that the devotion I was feeling toward my departed partner was a thing that could be transferred to another woman. When I was putting on my boots to leave with another new friend, she said that she was relieved to hear that I was not so fixated that I could conceive of another relationship. She mentioned other women who think that their lives are over when their relationship dissipates.

That night, going to sleep I realized that the attraction I had felt was genuine. I also realized that attractions of that type arise in many peoples active lives. In my relationship we attended few public events. Mostly we spent our time together. So external attractions were minimized.

It is only three days now since she left. The adoration, the devotion that I feel is still central in my consciousness. It was within my relationship with this woman that I for the first time in my life experienced adoration. Adoration when received and reflected back is mutually recursive. It is no wonder it led to devotion. Sure it can be done with another, I hope.

Meanwhile I sit in my world missing her, wanting to arrange my life so we can return to each other fresh, New to each other, and with financial capabilities. I am thinking often about ways to check with her so that no action of mine with trigger her sensitivities. I want life with her that is new and fresh, not going back to what we were but as two working people who can love each other as an extension upon that way we have always love each other.

Meanwhile she has not yet fully unpacked the truck. She is only just now beginning to settle in. She has had no time for reflection. I will give her my devotion in small enough bite (I hope) that she will welcome as something familiar at her old home that is now strange with dying plants. I love her, and I hope she thrives. This is release because that is what she needs right now.

She left last night for Halifax, leaving me alone in our place in Ottawa with many of her clothes, towels, dishes and other things. She, likewise has much of mine in her possession. We are still intertwined. She did not announce her intent to breakup with me because she did not love me. Indeed, in the last few weeks as I assisted her in getting ready for her departure, she demonstrated love, she talked about love. She agreed with me that “making love” is the mutual creation of a loving atmosphere day by day, and not to be confused, or conflated with the sexual act. Much of lover’s touches occur outside of sex. Indeed she told me that the love is still here.

But she left me. Last night I was cold in the bed without her. Last night I could not breath her in or smell her scent. This morning I could not see the light of intelligence, compassion, generosity or humour in her eyes. At points this morning tears have leaked from my eyes. As might be discerned from my description of her, I adored her. I am devoted to her.

Devotion and adoration are reflected and interacted with the partner who is being adored. It is in their eyes, it is in their touch, it is in the way they press their body up against yours. To adore is to keep your love dynamic, present, and real. Who wouldn’t want that?

As we sat on the couch embracing, she told me that she felt that she couldn’t move forward while receiving my devotion. She . wants to work toward healing, she wants to work at something she loves.

I want her to give me space so that I can surprise her. I want to follow my diagnosis and receive my training so that I too can bring in funding for our lives.

Nevertheless, I have always acted in ways that support her desires. Now she desires freedom from me; she has closed the door on our shared future.

Now I have to take the gift that she has given me and reach out to others.

I adore her.

It is up to her to open the door.

My future

The title says it. After five years of a relationship that had survived several crises, I am losing N.

We are sharing a domicile right now and her departure in in just over two week. My Shambhala Buddhist training and hers both have allowed us to understand each other and respond with actions that support each other,

Her affection that she displays to me is genuine; she is a truth teller. I am aware of somatic communications and those are are a fundamental truth.

She says rightly that the future is non of our business, and she knows what I want.

I want to continue my life with her. I thought I had found a woman who could allow me my mistakes, but some of those mistake impacted her in ways that have exhausted her.

She acknowledged that the devotion I bestowed upon her is unique. I myself have never heard of anyone serving another person as completely as I have served her.

From my part my love for her is of my own making; but she fostered the building of our love.

I will say more after she has left.